Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.    No, wait, not me, you.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet beer shoots out of your nose.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because . . . what is that thing?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.